Conspiracy? HELL YEAH!!!!

June 23rd, 2004

In light of the inevitably stupid claims over conspiracy as Italy was once again fairly eliminated for a lackluster performance, I decided to write a piece on how ridiculous this propaganda is..

Disclaimer: If you are ill at ease because of Italy's premature exit from Euro2004 or KoreaJapan02, you shall discontinue reading this post.

Another day, another disappointment. Such is the emotion of devoted Italian football fans. How could it be that this nation so great, mother to some of the finest footballers on Earth, has been eliminated and humiliated once again? I struggle to fathom this most unprecedented turn of events. How can it be that time and time again it happens to us? We have the best players, we have the best coaches, we have the best tactic! How can we always lose out at the finish line? How can we get so close without winning??? Where could the answer to this excruciating riddle lie? And before you can say eureka, the answer is there for all to see. It's not me, it's you!!

Who else could be to blame for the line of underachievement held up since 1982? Our most thorough soul searching is complete, we found nada. It can't be us, it has to be the universe conspiring against us! Like a bolt of lightning through the masses, at this instant we are all in agreement. Whoever is responsible for this, it's not me!!

I am here, my children, to unveil a far more disastrous conspiracy. One that isn't based on poor logic and the rejection of guilt. One that has us all bamboozled. One that is the plaything of rich men. One that is so devious, so conniving that only the purest of mind can penetrate its fortress, but even for them it takes years. If you have been saying all along that something isn't right, something stinks, I am here to tell you that you've been right all along!

There is a conspiracy in place right as we speak. One that has caused premature Italian elimination from 2 consecutive international tournaments. One whose scale rivals the "WMD in Iraq" scam. Let us examine them case by case.


For those of us who saw the opening match, there were so many reasons why Italia would never go far in the tournament. First of all, Trap's tactics were pathetic and his pet Totti, who was trusted to cure hunger on Earth, didn't come close to being the genius he was made out to be. With each game came a new opponent and Italy self destructed under Trap. Then it was set for the fateful encounter against Korea, the host nation. Italy, as usual with their dreadful football, Korea filled with hope over what could be. A handful of incidents then decided the game.

Skipper Maldini, capped over 100 times, decided to jump with public enemy number one Ahn. His countless years of experience and his undeniable elegance and skill somehow didn't kick in on this occasion and the header was lost to the Korean forward. The rest, as they say, is history. Now why did Maldini refuse to cut out the cross? Something very suspicious about this, of all times to drop the ball this is when he chose to do it??? I DON'T BUY IT!

But hang on, that's not all. Messiah Totti was already carded when he was shoved in the Korean penalty box. What came to be an incredible surprise of a nation, his longterm, well respected career theatrics were not disregarded on this occasion, and the referee assuming he decided to throw himself to the ground like he was in mortal danger (like he had done several times already in the tournament) didn't buy it and Totti was awarded with his second yellow card. Say what you want about Totti, but he's not dumb enough to protest booked for diving when he escapes the rightful punishment time and time again. He must have known it would come back to bite him in the ass sooner or later. But wait, there's more!!

Finally, in the closing minutes of the game, Italian gladiator Bobo Vieri came inches from levelling the score. He missed a simple tap in that would have sent Italy back into the match. OR DID HE???? How is it possible that a fantastic striker like Vieri, who had been the go-to-guy since '98 and scored whenever Italia needed a goal missed such a simple shot? How could it be that Italia's 3 most influential players decided to mess up ALL AT THE SAME TIME???


Wow, if you think that was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet! 2 years down the road, when everyone was satisfied blaming mr. Byron Moreno for Italia's every shortcoming had become a national tradition, the Azzurri embarked upon another glorious campaign. The conquest of Europe, Roma victor!!! No, it went not so. In the first match against Denmark, Trap fielded the most sought after trident of attackers. Italy was salivating at the thought of these 3 great heroes tearing the opposition apart. But we didn't have to wait long for another round of disappointment. The only thing that tore that night was a few too many braincells inside Totti's melon. OR DID THEY??? Do you really thing Totti is dumb enough to risk a sending off in his very first game AND spit at the opponent on SEVERAL occasions, knowing full well what the consequences would be? I DON'T BUY IT! His half ass performance on the pitch was evidence enough that something was amiss, but the spitting only piled up on top of the other items on my evidence table.

The came Sweden, just back in town from wiping the floor with Bulgaria, which would be Italia's next pleasure after this. Once again, Trap had bowed to pressure and made the changes wanted by the people. Pirlo and Gattuso started, it was all good. But the pressure they put on the Swedish never came to anything. Folk hero Bobo Vieri AGAIN missed at least 3 clear chances to score. OR DID HE??? Funny isn't it, that you can always count on Vieri to score, except when Italia depends on him the most! I DON'T BUY IT! So did the others step up? Not at all, apparently they had their orders. And I think we all know who the least disciplined and least likely to follow orders is among the Azzurri. None other than Antonio Cassano. Yes, he scored but to make up for it, the world's best goalkeeper Buffon, working side by side with the world's best defence, decided to mess up yet again to see Zlatan score the equalizer. WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!

Finally Bulgaria, and this match didn't mean anything as long as Sweden and Denmark would tie. Anothing inspiring performance from the Italian gladiators saw them earn their first win in the tournament, some way into injury time. Once again it was Cassano who rebelled! But it didn't mean anything since the Scandinavians excused themselves from the loser's table and were seated in the quarter final section. At this point, there was one common thought in all of Italy. The sms messages buzzed incessantly and the message was the same in each one. "Grab your flamethrower, let's torch their Viking ships!"

Ah, the smell of being cheated once again. But what do these Italian heroes have in common. What could they possibly gain from messing up their chances time and again. What could someone possibly gain from eliminating the Azzurri over and over again in controversial circumstances?

Elementary, my children. Anyone ever remotely associated with publishing will tell you that bad news sell the sh!t out of good news. The Italian media is nothing more than a toy in the hands of one man who controls it. His objective is conquest, his treasure is money. And he's VERY good at what he does. Ask yourself, what is the one thing you expect to come out of a rich man's mouth. "I want more money!" But before we unmask this villain of sorts, let's go deeper with our deductions. How in the world could it be possible to dupe an entire nation into the collective mentality of "it's not our fault" when the evidence is so solid? Oh it's possible!

It's blatantly obvious that Italy were meant to lose out in the Far East, it was seen from day one. And the anger from Euro2000 hadn't quite settled yet, so it was fuel to the fire. This evil man decided that disappointment with a twist of conspiracy would sell much better than just pure disappointment. Italy were surely dreadful but to put a spin on it, he went out to recruit the most obscure and questionable referee of them all. You see, all the others were respected professionals in their countries. But mr. Moreno already had a past one could point to. The perfect choice. Who better to carry the blame of a nation than a referee? From all the stories we've read and the cartoons we've seen on tv, we all know very well that the mastermind criminal can't do all his damage on his own. He has to find a halfwit to do the dirty work for him, one he can afford to lose and pin all the blame on. Byron Moreno is no mastermind, he was the perfect choice for our villain. A handsome financial reward and it was settled. Mr. Moreno would forever be the scapegoat of 2002. And how we love a scapegoat, what would we ever do without one? There's nothing more satisfying than having a single person to pin all the blame on. We look upon thee with all our disgust and say as one "You are an immoral man, shame on you!"

Very well, we have our scapegoat. But Moreno himself is still a halfwit, how could he alone eliminate the Azzurri? The answer is: HE DIDN'T! Just imagine how many papers were sold on the images and caricatures of Moreno taking money from the Korean FA. How many tv shows were aired with this being their #1 topic? How many advertisers got their money from people watching these shows? How much debate was had IN THE MEDIA over this? Then ask yourself this: who else (apart from our secret villain) could benefit from this media circus? We all know sponsorship from tv is not what it was a few years ago, Italian clubs are in decline financially, players are taking pay cuts. WHO IS GONNA COVER THE DOWN PAYMENT ON MY 3RD FERRARI? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the question. The story of Byron Moreno had the potential to be milked by all the parties involved and the poor Azzurri, who had been on the brink of chapter 11 were glad to be part of it. Why did Maldini let Ahn score? Why did Vieri miss the open net? Bonus time, that's why. Take as much cash as you can carry (where do you think "cash and carry" came from?), there's enough for everyone!

This is the awful truth. Our heroes, our idols. They profit at our expense. 2 years down the road, it's the same old story. Did Totti really lose him mind? No, noone is that dumb, Totti's business sense is very intact. His image of a dumb guy publishing books of self ridicule is the perfect front!! And Vieri isn't bad enough to miss all those chances when it really matters, he likes money better. Or why else would he say he's prefer playing cricket if the money was as good? And Buffon then? Why didn't he clear the ball and let Zlatan score? He's a big spender. By the time his check from Juve HQ arrives, he's living on bread and water because he can't make it last. And lastly, how do you explain that Italy's most successful coach ever has gone on to torture the nation for 4 years running? Could it be money? I'll leave you to answer that question.

Now then, that we've proven the case beyond any doubt, it's time to unveil the mastermind of this scheme. The man who craves power and constantly wants more. The man who is responsible for your pain and suffering as a devoted football fanatic.

media magnate Silvio Berlusconi

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