Happy new year, biatches!

January 1st, 2005

There is one concept I associate with new year's eve far and away above any other: loneliness. What better occasion to remind yourself that you're alone and not by choice. I have never had an enjoyable new year's eve in my life, they've all been crap ever since I came to think that it might be wonderful to not be alone on this celebrated evening. It is the epitome of loneliness, each year I dread it, knowing it will replay the events seen a bunch of times in the past. This year was actually a bit different, a new air of optimism had come over me, I told myself it wasn't gonna be like all those other times.

The funny thing is, I felt it since the moment I woke up, this is going to be a shitty day. Funny I should feel that at 10am with a full day ahead before the festivities kick in. Nevertheless, the discontent was not long kept waiting, might as well roll out the carpet in the morning to walk on all day. The day was indeed uneventful and quite dull, without any upsets. Then tickets to the threatre to see a tango concert, not my first choice by any stretch of the imagination but it was that evening or none at all. Fair enough, wasn't too bad. The epitome would not be let down, however. 11pm is too late for buses and trams so why not walk from the center of Łódź back home to the suburbs? Just follow the tram lines, no biggie. It's a great shame I did not happen to carry my camera with me at the time to document just how butt ugly Łódź really is. It's like a gray planet, no better way to take in the experience than by walking. If there was an award for the ugliest city, I would nominate Łódź in a heartbeat. It's a bunch of streets with dirty, uglyass buildings, billboards and adverts plastered all over any wall that will serve the purpose, f. up sidewalks you can't walk on without looking where you step cause you'll trip it's so uneven and a general aura of destruction and decay. Actually "decay" would probably best summarize this city in one term. Not that there was much grandeur to fall into decay to begin with, it's always been a gray and dirty city since its foundation in the industrial revolution. I wonder what Bruce Springsteen was looking at when he wrote "My hometown" but I suspect had I written it, it would be less positive.

But I digress, walking home in an ugly city (or any city for that matter, Łódź just happens to put a better spin on the atmosphere) at 11pm on new year's eve, alone, is the epitome brought to life. This time was supposed to be different, sitting at home doing some reading or anything else to take the mind off the moment in progress. And it was different, but not as I imagined. It was one of those glorious "I don't give a fuck" moments. Walking alone instead of sitting home with family, yearning for something more. Pity swapped with aggression, yearning with arrogance. Walking and almost enjoying the lack of enjoyment. Did not manage to reach the house before midnight kicked in, after all it does take an hour and a half to get there so I got a free ticket to witness the fireworks weee. And what a pathetic display it was I start by saying, started at 10 to midnight, over in 30 minutes. Not that people don't make anything out of it, quite the contrary. My warmest regards, first of all, to all those who permanently damaged their hearing in the proceedings tonight. You really have to see it to believe it, not unlike any other city, Łódź suburbia is an array of uglyass apartment buildings, which on new year's is useful as it compels people to aim their fireworks at the opposite building facing their own. They probably aim for the living room, thou few projectiles actually assume the intended course. About 100m from myself was a group of half a dozen people, one of them lit a projectile right where they were standing but it failed to launch and blew up in the middle of them, raining the resulting lights on them from 4m up. Quite a funny sight it was, thou I was less amused to breathe the smoke from the fireworks as it was inevitable walking in suburbia. As far as smog goes, it doesn't really do much cause you can't see the sky anyway.

On this wonderful of nights when people live life to the fullest, my greetings go out to all those who contract hiv tonight. Hell, why discriminate, all those who contract any sexually transmitted disease. Optimism? Got bucket loads but new year's eve invariably sucks. I really need to find something to do with this dreadful day.

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4 Responses to "Happy new year, biatches!"

  1. Erik says:

    Damn straight. You could try my gig; deliberately avoiding all parties by staying home, watching some tv and go to bed after watching fireworks. I drank some wine too as it gets me melancholic and I have written some great stuff in that state but I know you dont like wine.

    The funny thing was; everytime I unfolded my plans to someone (usually friends) who *were* going to parties, they would always give the same reaction: "Oh I wish I didn't have to go this stupid party. New Year's Eve is never any fun."

    What the hell is wrong with people going out because you're supposed to be going out or something? If you don't wanna; don't go. Like I did. Last year (or was it two years ago, dont remember) I did go out an it was a bore. It always is. Unless maybe in Amsterdam but I can't be arsed to travel there on new years.

  2. V. says:

    What better occasion to remind yourself that you're alone and not by choice.

    This year you're alone on New Year's Eve by your choice, by your very own choice, Martin.

    Besides, speaking in different terms: Christmas and New Year's Eve is a very specific time, and New Year' Eve is a very specific day itself: it's a perfect summary of whole year in terms of relationships with people. If you're alone that day, it says much about choices you made during whole year about relationships with people. If you get greetings, texts, postcards from people: you gave them much thinking and care during the year, now they give the same to you.

    Even if I promised to myself never speak to you again , this your post made me feel sorry for you... No, not happy or satisfied, that the old year ended in that way for you, cause noone's sadness can make me feel happy.

    I just hope, that this New Year's Eve was last lonely NYE for you and the next one will be good and happy.

  3. numerodix says:

    That's kind of you, v, but no need to feel sorry for me. We are what we choose, like you said. Still, that doesn't keep us from being bitter and jealous sometimes, does it?

    But thank you.

  4. V. says:

    I like this part: We are what we choose - it sounds like practical wisdom, you know, hints for life. I'm going to write this one down to keep it.

    I dont know about being bitter and jealous in such situations, when I know, that I didnt do anything to make sth better: but that's just me.

    I got an impression, that you didnt recognise me. I wrote V. not to hide my identity, but cause Vit or vitoria annoy me too much nowadays to use it.