I need a metaphor here, I was hoping to use a movie reference, but I can't think of one that would fit. So I'll describe a movie to you. I could just make it a story but then there are too many bases to cover, so instead I'll play off your intimacy with Hollywood's finest and how they guide the plot into various cliches you can see coming a mile away. Enough rambling, let's get to it.

Jason is a kid with a learning disability. I'm not too happy with the handicap reference, I really have nothing against handicapped people, but if I pick some other angle, I worry I may not be able to swing it. Right, so Jason grew up with other kids who were not disabled, he would always see them learn things much quicker than he could, while he himself would struggle with the most basic things. Fundamental arithmetic, spelling, memorization, that kind of thing. Jason had a couple of loving parents who supported him through everything he did, they were proud of Jason and encouraged him to keep giving his best despite that his results were far below par. Everytime a test appeared on the horizon, Jason would try his darndest, and his parents would hope that maybe this is the time Jason can do well on the test. Everytime Jason failed to even pass the test. His parents consoled him and encouraged him not to give up. "You can do anything if you put your mind to it, Jason." It was tough for Jason to keep failing, it was tough for him to mobilize himself for the next challenge knowing that he had failed so many times before. He managed to forget the past just long enough to take every test, every exam, with an open mind, hoping this would be the time. But as the years went by the disappointments piled up and it took a strong Jason to cope with them. What kept him going was a belief deep inside him that someday he *would* pass that test.

Ok now you know why I don't tell stories, I'm not good at it. Erik writes good fiction, I stay away from it for good reason. When it comes to dating, my life is Jason's. Whenever there is a situation with some potential, I feel like I'm on the verge of taking the decisive penalty at the World Cup. Like this is my chance of a lifetime, this could be my moment. Ridiculous amounts of energy go into thinking about the situation, trying to pick the best possible strategy, I really obsess about it. I illicit sympathy from a lot of friends, all of whom support me and wish me well, for which I'm incredibly grateful. I ask their advice, they help me, advise me, encourage me. Then I step into action, I do my best aaaaaaand fall on my ass. Every. single. time. I have a remarkable, unmatched talent for pushing people away, the very person I'm trying to get close to. It seems that in moments when my brain overheats from intense activity, I am launched into some state of chronic idiocy, which causes me to make an astonishing amount of bad decisions. I have learnt from experience that my mind is not to be trusted in these cases, but I have to keep reminding myself of this, because in the moment I actually think it makes a lot of sense. Then I make a truly daft decision and say something I shouldn't say, which brings me one step closer to fouling out of the game. Eventually, I do, of course, one way or another totally wipe out the possibility that the person in question may still think I am of sound mind. One such day was yesterday.

As I generally pay very little attention to being or appearing to be quote unquote normal, this is the rare exception. I wish I could be normal.