Archive for April, 2005

weirded out

April 30th, 2005

I'm writing this because it's been on my mind the last couple of weeks and I can't seem to get it out. The last few months I've been working long days on a big project for school, it's been enjoyable and since I am effectively my own boss, which I enjoy, I've been working my way entirely in terms of setting hours, prioritizing etc. Intermittently, though, I start thinking about this. And I suppose it goes on because I can't seem to reach any conclusion.

I accept what has happened but I can't get over how it did happen. I'm still very serene about it all and it's not a question of it nagging me. But since I am a keen observer of people and take interest in trying to understand them, I can't figure out this one. We had barely kept in touch the last year. Until finally I told you that as far as I'm concerned, this is over. I didn't know what to expect for a response but what I did get surprised me. Nothing. Nothing at all. I assumed you would have something to say, a few last words maybe. But no. Weird. But you can't understand one thing without putting it in perspective. I was unceremoniously dropped, that much is clear. But if that is so, how much is true about the last few months? Did you mean to get rid of me a long time ago? And just wait for an opportunity of some kind? Were you just keeping up appearances, then? How up front were you? Many times I have suspected a cover up of some sort but every time I ultimately said perish the thought, she wouldn't do that. And every time you came up with some explanation that seemed largely plausible. I always wondered if that was just our wires crossed or if there was something more to it.

I guess it's one of those cases of "I thought I knew you".

and the winner is

April 21st, 2005

...a webcam. This months' winner of the famous shit-I-thought-about-buying-

the victim?

April 21st, 2005

It's so weird you know.. I mean it doesn't exactly happen overnight, it's not a shock. You see it happening gradually, growing in strength. Then at some point you perceive that it's over. Funny thing - abandonment. But I keep feeling that I'm the victim, like I deserved better or something but is that really true? Or did I f. it up? Seems silly to blame it all on one person, doesn't it? Is it okay to feel bad, to feel hurt? When do you cross the line from fair to selfish? It's so unclear sometimes. Especially if you really want to be good to someone, how far are you supposed to go? Sacrifice in itself is not really a virtue either, it's more like a dedication. It's not selfless, or at least not necessarily. So if you dedicate yourself to it, where do you draw the line? How far can you go without disturbing the balance? How far can you bend over backwards without breaking your back?

I can't plead total ignorance on this either cause I've been on the opposite side of the fence and that's even more bizarre. Does it feel better to drop someone than to be dropped? I can't quite decide. What bothers me most, though, is that I can't control or even understand what happens to me in those moments. Maybe that's why I can't plan anything to save my life, I never can predict what I might do and when. One moment I'm depressed, I don't know why. I keep guessing, trying to make sense of my situation and trying to hunt down the cause. But I never succeed. The next moment I'm completely serene. Almost indifferent, emotionless. Like right now. If I could control it then I think I would be satisfied that I'm in charge of myself. But I never know what's around the corner. When a change occurs, it's never sudden, it's like staring into a door trying to see what's behind it and then someone opens it and you see exactly what is there. From a blurry vision, you achieve focus.

Just delivered my tax papers online. It's a breeze once you know where it is but it's a beotch to navigate that website, why do they hide away the most commonly used function so that it takes me 30 minutes to track it down?? But on the upside, no taxes paid this year wohooo!

sjokkerende oppslag

April 13th, 2005

Da er det faktisk noen som har sagt det vi alle har visst i lang, lang tid. Nemlig at TV2 nyhetene suger.

not who, or what, or when, but why

April 12th, 2005

I've been a bit preoccupied with some rather unwelcome thoughts the past few days. I really shouldn't be writing about it, because that's only inviting the demons in that it's being mentioned and it sticks in my mind but given that I've contemplated writing this 3-4 times already, it seems the damage is done and dodging the bullet didn't work.

I've come to realize that in the question of love and all that accompanies it, I'm mortally terrified of it all. At first I thought maybe the conclusion was made in haste but I try to stay away from any romance themes in general, movies, songs and the like. That's just common sense really. But all it takes to wake the emotion of fear is a casual mention of anything romance related and there I am again, terrified of god knows what.

But it's a ridiculous frame of mind to begin with, I make an effort not to provoke those thoughts, trying to stay in the clear. But I know I'm vulnerable to the odd attacks. Given my character it's rather ridiculous. In principle, at least, I'm all about long term, working solutions that require a minimum of maintenance. In technical terms broadly speaking that is what I do school/career wise. But it seems rather more complicated on the mental plane. Much like building a house on the river bank, knowing that the annual flood will wipe it out but everytime it comes, I rebuild it. Instead of working out a way to proactively solve the problem, I keep trying to avoid it. I've been wondering whether there is an answer to it, a result of clear, logical statements leading to a conclusion. I tend to doubt it, but there is a flip side to it. Perhaps there is an answer to why I'm so struck with fear whenever I consider myself in any way combined with the concept of love, but I reject to complete that investigation because at some point there is a bridge I dear not cross? I have given some thought in the past couple of months to how powerful and dominant fear is, how it can control our lives, so I tend to respect my "opponent". Isn't it highly plausible though, that while I seek clarity, I reject to enter certain doors in fear of what may be inside?

To make a connection, I certainly have built up that life to be something extraordinary and I expect a great deal from love. In the sense that it should enrich life and give the sensation that "I'm now living life, this is it". So is it the anticipation that's fuelling the fear or is it the fear that's giving weight to the expectation? To start with the former, I don't know why but it's a fact that I feel life is empty sometimes, in fact a lot of the time. I don't know what it's supposed to be but it's not all it could be. And certainly it wasn't always like this, so it seems something is missing. Even so, love could very well be a dead end, face it I've never actually experienced it. In brief moments I have deluded myself into it but was that ever genuine? It was all imaginary exercise. To be fair, I'm not even sure that loneliness is the problem at all. Life seeming void of clear purpose could well be attributed to some other deficiency. Which would render love an optional, obviously welcome, but not necessarily crucial, extra. Because knowing something first hand is a world of difference from any other form of learning about it.

Crucially however, I've concluded it's very unfortunate practice to build it up to such an extent. Because what if it were to prove a disappointment? Not that there is any real danger of that happening currently but magnifying problems is never a good way to solve them. It's sooner the rule, not the exception, that I've seen the deficiency of love as *the* problem so far in life. Something too complex for the normal practice of problem handling. Would it not be far wiser to play down the issue and stack it alongside smaller issues? Some things are rather more imminent and are taken care of when they have to be, problem solving is a normal practice of life. Still, should that transition happen, it wouldn't come soon given the history of how the problem was perceived. I like to consider everything in terms of "good at it" and "not good at it". With some concentration and effort, problems belonging to the latter group can be transformed into the former. I'm not sure if this one qualifies, and even then, it is not known how to make that transition.

Hm, the last paragraph killed the spark of clarity in the discussion and reduced it to rambling. Well at least I managed to maintain focus for longer than I usually do before I proceed to confuse myself.

Ps. Why do James Bond lines make such frightfully good quotes?