not who, or what, or when, but why

April 12th, 2005

I've been a bit preoccupied with some rather unwelcome thoughts the past few days. I really shouldn't be writing about it, because that's only inviting the demons in that it's being mentioned and it sticks in my mind but given that I've contemplated writing this 3-4 times already, it seems the damage is done and dodging the bullet didn't work.

I've come to realize that in the question of love and all that accompanies it, I'm mortally terrified of it all. At first I thought maybe the conclusion was made in haste but I try to stay away from any romance themes in general, movies, songs and the like. That's just common sense really. But all it takes to wake the emotion of fear is a casual mention of anything romance related and there I am again, terrified of god knows what.

But it's a ridiculous frame of mind to begin with, I make an effort not to provoke those thoughts, trying to stay in the clear. But I know I'm vulnerable to the odd attacks. Given my character it's rather ridiculous. In principle, at least, I'm all about long term, working solutions that require a minimum of maintenance. In technical terms broadly speaking that is what I do school/career wise. But it seems rather more complicated on the mental plane. Much like building a house on the river bank, knowing that the annual flood will wipe it out but everytime it comes, I rebuild it. Instead of working out a way to proactively solve the problem, I keep trying to avoid it. I've been wondering whether there is an answer to it, a result of clear, logical statements leading to a conclusion. I tend to doubt it, but there is a flip side to it. Perhaps there is an answer to why I'm so struck with fear whenever I consider myself in any way combined with the concept of love, but I reject to complete that investigation because at some point there is a bridge I dear not cross? I have given some thought in the past couple of months to how powerful and dominant fear is, how it can control our lives, so I tend to respect my "opponent". Isn't it highly plausible though, that while I seek clarity, I reject to enter certain doors in fear of what may be inside?

To make a connection, I certainly have built up that life to be something extraordinary and I expect a great deal from love. In the sense that it should enrich life and give the sensation that "I'm now living life, this is it". So is it the anticipation that's fuelling the fear or is it the fear that's giving weight to the expectation? To start with the former, I don't know why but it's a fact that I feel life is empty sometimes, in fact a lot of the time. I don't know what it's supposed to be but it's not all it could be. And certainly it wasn't always like this, so it seems something is missing. Even so, love could very well be a dead end, face it I've never actually experienced it. In brief moments I have deluded myself into it but was that ever genuine? It was all imaginary exercise. To be fair, I'm not even sure that loneliness is the problem at all. Life seeming void of clear purpose could well be attributed to some other deficiency. Which would render love an optional, obviously welcome, but not necessarily crucial, extra. Because knowing something first hand is a world of difference from any other form of learning about it.

Crucially however, I've concluded it's very unfortunate practice to build it up to such an extent. Because what if it were to prove a disappointment? Not that there is any real danger of that happening currently but magnifying problems is never a good way to solve them. It's sooner the rule, not the exception, that I've seen the deficiency of love as *the* problem so far in life. Something too complex for the normal practice of problem handling. Would it not be far wiser to play down the issue and stack it alongside smaller issues? Some things are rather more imminent and are taken care of when they have to be, problem solving is a normal practice of life. Still, should that transition happen, it wouldn't come soon given the history of how the problem was perceived. I like to consider everything in terms of "good at it" and "not good at it". With some concentration and effort, problems belonging to the latter group can be transformed into the former. I'm not sure if this one qualifies, and even then, it is not known how to make that transition.

Hm, the last paragraph killed the spark of clarity in the discussion and reduced it to rambling. Well at least I managed to maintain focus for longer than I usually do before I proceed to confuse myself.

Ps. Why do James Bond lines make such frightfully good quotes?

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