It's so weird you know.. I mean it doesn't exactly happen overnight, it's not a shock. You see it happening gradually, growing in strength. Then at some point you perceive that it's over. Funny thing - abandonment. But I keep feeling that I'm the victim, like I deserved better or something but is that really true? Or did I f. it up? Seems silly to blame it all on one person, doesn't it? Is it okay to feel bad, to feel hurt? When do you cross the line from fair to selfish? It's so unclear sometimes. Especially if you really want to be good to someone, how far are you supposed to go? Sacrifice in itself is not really a virtue either, it's more like a dedication. It's not selfless, or at least not necessarily. So if you dedicate yourself to it, where do you draw the line? How far can you go without disturbing the balance? How far can you bend over backwards without breaking your back?

I can't plead total ignorance on this either cause I've been on the opposite side of the fence and that's even more bizarre. Does it feel better to drop someone than to be dropped? I can't quite decide. What bothers me most, though, is that I can't control or even understand what happens to me in those moments. Maybe that's why I can't plan anything to save my life, I never can predict what I might do and when. One moment I'm depressed, I don't know why. I keep guessing, trying to make sense of my situation and trying to hunt down the cause. But I never succeed. The next moment I'm completely serene. Almost indifferent, emotionless. Like right now. If I could control it then I think I would be satisfied that I'm in charge of myself. But I never know what's around the corner. When a change occurs, it's never sudden, it's like staring into a door trying to see what's behind it and then someone opens it and you see exactly what is there. From a blurry vision, you achieve focus.

Just delivered my tax papers online. It's a breeze once you know where it is but it's a beotch to navigate that website, why do they hide away the most commonly used function so that it takes me 30 minutes to track it down?? But on the upside, no taxes paid this year wohooo!