no dating

March 4th, 2006

Wouldn't it be easier if there was no dating? No sitting by the phone, no wondering how people feel about you, no awkward moments where you have nothing to say?

Albert: Welcome to NoDating, how may I help you?

Marcus: I've heard good things about your InstantRelationship program, I think I'd like to try it.

Albert: Alright, follow me.

Marcus follows Albert in the back of the store, they walk down a long hallway where all the doors are closed. Finally, Albert unlocks one door and ushers Marcus to step inside. The room is a bit cramp, there's a bed and a chair inside. In the back there's also a sink with an empty glass on it.

Albert: Lie down here please.

Marcus lies down on the bed. Albert pulls out a box of what looks like tic tacs from his pocket. He goes over to the sink, fills the glass with water and comes back to the bed.

Albert: Here, take one of these and swallow.

Marcus takes a pill and drinks the water.

-- end scene --

* two hours later *

Marcus is lying on the bed sleeping. He opens his eyes and sits up. Albert is seated on the chair.

Albert: How do you feel?

Marcus: Fine, I slept well.

Albert: Okay then, let's begin. First I'll give you a briefing, then you can ask any questions you may have. Your girlfriend's name is Melissa, she's 22 and teaches English evenings to adults in an after-school program. She's from Murcia, but she's lived here with her parents most of her life. Her parents are both lawyers. Melissa wants to be a marine biologist and she goes to school for that.

* 40 minutes later *

You see her on Tuesdays, Fridays and weekends. You also play tennis together Wednesdays at 5pm. Melissa loves reading, cooking, traveling and antiques. She's allergic to pepper.

Marcus: Does she love me?

Albert: Yes. What she loves most about you is your passion for poetry.

Marcus: Say what now?

Albert: You made that up on the first date to impress her.

Marcus: Oh for crying out loud.

Albert: Look, you know how this works. Any other questions?

Marcus: I guess not.

Albert. Well then, good luck!

-- end scene --

* that evening *

Melissa is cooking in the kitchen, Marcus is watching football on tv. He gets up from the couch to get a beer from the fridge.

Melissa: I can't wait to go to that poetry recital tonight.

Marcus: Uhm, Melissa, there's something I have to tell you.. I don't really like poetry.

* 10 minutes later *

Melissa: What else have you said that isn't true?

Marcus: Well, I can't really say, but things may come up as we go along.

-- end scene --

* one week later *

Albert: Hi, welcome back.

Marcus: *groan*

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5 Responses to "no dating"

  1. erik says:

    Marine biologist? :D

  2. ash says:

    Ha! I thought you were trying to convince us of the advantages of InstantRelationships. Very funny though.

  3. numerodix says:

    [2] You don't think it's an advantage to go to NoDating in the morning and have a girlfriend by the evening? Hell, I'd go for it. :D Of course, it would be silly to assume that the normal problems and baggage would magically disappear.

  4. Diana says:

    funny, I really liked it :D

  5. Caleb Mardini says:

    Very good schtuff! Thanks!