on pet ownership

May 21st, 2007

I get the feeling that pet owners just don't get enough of human stupidity. They crave more. So what better than to own an animal that's dumber than any human that ever lived.

Personally I feel humans are stupid enough. Don't get me wrong, we have the capacity to act intelligently, but all too often we have bad judgment or we just decide to be stupid. Granted, that's a little sad. But I find that human stupidity, my own included, is already filling my need for unintelligent behavior. I don't need an animal to supply me with a constant source of dumbness.

Pet owners seem to have a different view on this. In fact, they seem altogether thrilled with any kind of accomplishment an animal can aspire to, however simple. Omg I threw the stick and you brought it back to me. And we only rehearsed this 47 times. I mean how long would it take you to train your kid to do this? Try it once and your job is done. And what's so amazing about fetching thrown objects? Is this some kind of useful skill that society is in desperate need of? Or the whole dog training program. Teach it to sit up, to roll around, to fetch, to behave. Wooow, your dog is soo smart. What kind of low threshold for achievement do you have to be impressed by these things? Parents send their kids to school to be engineers, accountants, lawyers, advertisers, realtors etc. But when the dog claws on the door when you get home it's omg my dog is sooo clever, it missed me. Of course it did, you *feed* it. Oh my cat it so smart, all it does is sit there all day.

And what's so great about being around pets anyway? They're dirty, smelly, noisy, unruly, unpredictable (in spite of those top shelf training videos) and just plain ugly too, much of the time. And not a shred of intelligence. You know a park is a place where you want to take your kids and just let them play, it's one of the few safe places for them to be if you live in a city, a place with no traffic. A park is a place where you're supposed to be able to run around, play football with dad, roll around in the grass and do whatever you want to do, with impunity. But then dog owners think it's a great idea to take the dog for a walk in the park, and suddenly it's transformed into a minefield. Now you have to watch your every step. Great way to ruin it for everyone. In Holland they even make it explicit, with signs that mark this area is a dog toilet.

I think pet owners actually wish they lived on a farm, but since they don't they want pets. It's like a bad compromise, a pet in the city instead of animals on a farm.

Animals are nice as mascots, as characters in children's shows, as teddy bears, as illustrations in books. Cuddly, cute, compassionate, thoughtful, clean, and loving. We all like good fiction.

If you want a living thing to love, to talk to, to take care of, get a plant. Or take that plunge and get a human. I hear kids are great.

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4 Responses to "on pet ownership"

  1. erik says:

    "Get a human" :D

  2. numerodix says:

    They're everywhere, man :D

  3. Ian says:

    But doggies are cute. Their evolutionary purpose is to be appealing to humans so that they get food.

  4. Kathleen says:

    The difference between human and animal stupidity is that you will go to jail for locking someone in a cage while you go to the mall for a few hours. Also, there are many cheap thrills associated with flaunting your obvious superiority. We have a gate to keep our dog confined to the living room. When he sees us walk up to it he gets excited and tries to bully up like he's going to slip through the moment we open it... it's so gratifying to just be able to step over the gate, turn around, and laugh manically at him through the bars of the bane of his existence. It's priceless. A person would just punch you in the face through the bars. The dog, cursed by short memory, will forget the whole incident by the time you've come back from the bathroom.