It's so weird you know.. I mean it doesn't exactly happen overnight, it's not a shock. You see it happening gradually, growing in strength. Then at some point you perceive that it's over. Funny thing - abandonment. But I keep feeling that I'm the victim, like I deserved better or something but is that really true? Or did I f. it up? Seems silly to blame it all on one person, doesn't it? Is it okay to feel bad, to feel hurt? When do you cross the line from fair to selfish? It's so unclear sometimes. Especially if you really want to be good to someone, how far are you supposed to go? Sacrifice in itself is not really a virtue either, it's more like a dedication. It's not selfless, or at least not necessarily. So if you dedicate yourself to it, where do you draw the line? How far can you go without disturbing the balance? How far can you bend over backwards without breaking your back?

I can't plead total ignorance on this either cause I've been on the opposite side of the fence and that's even more bizarre. Does it feel better to drop someone than to be dropped? I can't quite decide. What bothers me most, though, is that I can't control or even understand what happens to me in those moments. Maybe that's why I can't plan anything to save my life, I never can predict what I might do and when. One moment I'm depressed, I don't know why. I keep guessing, trying to make sense of my situation and trying to hunt down the cause. But I never succeed. The next moment I'm completely serene. Almost indifferent, emotionless. Like right now. If I could control it then I think I would be satisfied that I'm in charge of myself. But I never know what's around the corner. When a change occurs, it's never sudden, it's like staring into a door trying to see what's behind it and then someone opens it and you see exactly what is there. From a blurry vision, you achieve focus.

Just delivered my tax papers online. It's a breeze once you know where it is but it's a beotch to navigate that website, why do they hide away the most commonly used function so that it takes me 30 minutes to track it down?? But on the upside, no taxes paid this year wohooo!

Da er det faktisk noen som har sagt det vi alle har visst i lang, lang tid. Nemlig at TV2 nyhetene suger.

I've been a bit preoccupied with some rather unwelcome thoughts the past few days. I really shouldn't be writing about it, because that's only inviting the demons in that it's being mentioned and it sticks in my mind but given that I've contemplated writing this 3-4 times already, it seems the damage is done and dodging the bullet didn't work.

I've come to realize that in the question of love and all that accompanies it, I'm mortally terrified of it all. At first I thought maybe the conclusion was made in haste but I try to stay away from any romance themes in general, movies, songs and the like. That's just common sense really. But all it takes to wake the emotion of fear is a casual mention of anything romance related and there I am again, terrified of god knows what.

But it's a ridiculous frame of mind to begin with, I make an effort not to provoke those thoughts, trying to stay in the clear. But I know I'm vulnerable to the odd attacks. Given my character it's rather ridiculous. In principle, at least, I'm all about long term, working solutions that require a minimum of maintenance. In technical terms broadly speaking that is what I do school/career wise. But it seems rather more complicated on the mental plane. Much like building a house on the river bank, knowing that the annual flood will wipe it out but everytime it comes, I rebuild it. Instead of working out a way to proactively solve the problem, I keep trying to avoid it. I've been wondering whether there is an answer to it, a result of clear, logical statements leading to a conclusion. I tend to doubt it, but there is a flip side to it. Perhaps there is an answer to why I'm so struck with fear whenever I consider myself in any way combined with the concept of love, but I reject to complete that investigation because at some point there is a bridge I dear not cross? I have given some thought in the past couple of months to how powerful and dominant fear is, how it can control our lives, so I tend to respect my "opponent". Isn't it highly plausible though, that while I seek clarity, I reject to enter certain doors in fear of what may be inside?

To make a connection, I certainly have built up that life to be something extraordinary and I expect a great deal from love. In the sense that it should enrich life and give the sensation that "I'm now living life, this is it". So is it the anticipation that's fuelling the fear or is it the fear that's giving weight to the expectation? To start with the former, I don't know why but it's a fact that I feel life is empty sometimes, in fact a lot of the time. I don't know what it's supposed to be but it's not all it could be. And certainly it wasn't always like this, so it seems something is missing. Even so, love could very well be a dead end, face it I've never actually experienced it. In brief moments I have deluded myself into it but was that ever genuine? It was all imaginary exercise. To be fair, I'm not even sure that loneliness is the problem at all. Life seeming void of clear purpose could well be attributed to some other deficiency. Which would render love an optional, obviously welcome, but not necessarily crucial, extra. Because knowing something first hand is a world of difference from any other form of learning about it.

Crucially however, I've concluded it's very unfortunate practice to build it up to such an extent. Because what if it were to prove a disappointment? Not that there is any real danger of that happening currently but magnifying problems is never a good way to solve them. It's sooner the rule, not the exception, that I've seen the deficiency of love as *the* problem so far in life. Something too complex for the normal practice of problem handling. Would it not be far wiser to play down the issue and stack it alongside smaller issues? Some things are rather more imminent and are taken care of when they have to be, problem solving is a normal practice of life. Still, should that transition happen, it wouldn't come soon given the history of how the problem was perceived. I like to consider everything in terms of "good at it" and "not good at it". With some concentration and effort, problems belonging to the latter group can be transformed into the former. I'm not sure if this one qualifies, and even then, it is not known how to make that transition.

Hm, the last paragraph killed the spark of clarity in the discussion and reduced it to rambling. Well at least I managed to maintain focus for longer than I usually do before I proceed to confuse myself.

Ps. Why do James Bond lines make such frightfully good quotes?

• a degree certificate, original or certified copy + extra copy
• a transcript of courses taken and credits earned, certified copy + extra copy
• a photograph of the first page of the passport + copy
• application form completed + copy
• two passport photographs
• proof of anticipated degree, certified document
• two letters of reference
• certified copy of secondary education diploma
• certified copy of transcript from secondary education
• proof of adequate financial resources
• residence permit if required
• proof of English language proficiency (see "IELTS hoopla")
• letter of motivation
• proof of payment made to process application
• police track record
• chess club membership card
• your grandmother's valuable pre-WW2 ear rings

The above x5.

I should be admitted if only on account on what a pain in the ass it is to obtain all these documents. :lazy:

Ps. For the daft crowd.. the last 3 are fictional :redface::P

It's 2.15 am and I went to bed over 2 hours ago. Can't sleep.

I've just had a very productive week, it feels good. But I'm looking at 2 extremely busy months. Not that I'm scared of it, I have it planned out so it should by all means work out.

But am I still scared of something subconsciously? Otherwise, why can't I sleep? Admittedly I've had some late nights the past week but usually at 3 am I was falling apart in front of the screen. It's nearing that hour now and although I'm tired and fighting a headache most of the day, I can't bat an eyelid.

My alarm clock is set to 7 am. Will I still make it and go in to work at 8? Or will I sleep in and start late?